The Express Lane Concept

Shoppers, I don't have much time but I worked on the Express Lane the other night, and we need to talk.

The express lane is designed as a convenience for the shopper who is just "popping in" for a few items and needs to get out in a hurry. Shoppers, we feel your pain. Now, the point of this lane is that it is supposed to move quickly. Try to incorporate the following helpful hints on your next trip through the express lane (if that is in fact where you belong) not only help maintain social order, but also to assist your fellow man who is probably running late for a meeting....

• The thing that apalled me the most on my last shift was the customer who kept me waiting! I swiped his visa and it was time for him to pony up and sign. I informed him of this fact (he was self-packing). His response? "I'll be there in a sec." (!) He then proceeded to finish packing his groceries (which took more like 30-45 secs) and signed the visa slip. Sir!!!! There are two belts back there because we need to keep things moving! Take a second out to sign, and then return to your packing duty! Do not hold up my line!!!
  

• Now shoppers, on that note, let's review the general mechanics of the express lane. The goal here is speed & efficiency. As you will note, behind the cashier are two different belts. Cashier puts one order on one belt and the next order on the other belt, etc. You are to go down to the end of the belts and bag your own groceries. If you are slow, we will do our best to accommodate you and not rush you but please don't dawdle - this is not the place to do your monthly "purse purge" just because you can't locate your lipstick.
  

• By the way shoppers, there are buttons at the end of each belt which you can press to slide the groceries closer to you down there. You do not have to do the inspector gadget arm stretch to reach the things that have not made it all the way down. If you would just pay attention a little bit shoppers, you will realize we have your best interests in mind.
  

• As for timing, if you are paying by debit or credit card, you should zip down there and pack your groceries while the transaction is processing. By the time you are done, your receipt will be printed and off you go!!! Why spend that l...o...n...g 20 or 30 seconds standing there doing nothing when you could be a cog in our well oiled machine!?
  

• Cash payers, on the other hand, should let us complete the transaction before moving on to bagging - and please note, this simply is not the time to catch up with old high school friends with your back to us, because we are incapacitated until we can get your 37 cents out of our hand.
  

Now, the one thing that we all do know is that there is a limit on the number of items you are allowed to check through. This is to aid with the overall "speed and efficiency" which as you may recall, is the ultimate goal here. The cashiers, as usual, did not make this rule but we do respect it. And so should you, shoppers. Let's say for the sake of argument, the limit is 9 items. Sure, we can whip your 15 items through practically as quickly and frankly we don't really care (or count), but your fellow shoppers are paying close attention. And they get very upset with us for allowing you to break the rule.

Regard the following as the commandments of the express lane, shoppers:

• Do not tell the express cashier that they can take you and your cartload of groceries because they are not busy at that moment. The second you start unloading that 10-minute jobbie, somebody with a box of tampax is going to be in a desperate hurry behind you and you are going to ruin their day.
  
• IF YOU HAVE MORE THAN THE EXPRESS LANE LIMIT, DO NOT TRY TO CAJOLE YOUR WAY THROUGH THE LANE.
  

• Shoppers, the number of items literally means the number of items. So if the limit is 9, and you have 6 cartons of eggs, 3 loaves of bread, 2 cartons of milk, 12 packets of mr. noodles, various produce items and some candy, you are OVER THE LIMIT. You hit your limit at the BREAD, shoppers. And do NOT try to tell us that 3 loaves of bread = 1 item. No, shoppers. It is 3 items. 3 separate things that your cashier has to scan or weigh. Items.
  

I've got a lot more help on the way for you, shoppers but first you need to study this lesson about the express lane. You'll appreciate it when you've run out of toilet paper and send your wife/husband/sister/brother/roommate/boyfriend/girlfriend down to the store in a panic...

cash_0r_charge@yahoo.com