Insider Secrets

Shoppers, I don’t know if this has ever occurred to you, but your more ridiculous behaviour is great fodder for gossip in the break room. In a similar vein, we sing the praises of those of you who keep us entertained.

Today I’m going to fill you in on some insider information about the kind of service you receive at the grocery store. You can use this to your advantage, shoppers, if you make a concerted effort to get off the ridiculed list and into the hero category.

When you are a jerk, we will get you.

We have tried to stress here at Attention, Shoppers that being a cashier is a difficult job. It ranks low on many scales, namely “respect”, “thanks”, and “job satisfaction”. So don’t think we don’t take subtle revenge, shoppers, because I’ve got news for you.

the penny rule
Don’t you just hate getting 99 cents back in change, shoppers? All that pesky coin, making you walk with a limp, stretching the zipper on your wallet? It’s a total drag and we know it. Have you been a well behaved, polite shopper? If so, I bet your cashier will just hand over a loonie. Have you been a completely degrading prick? You’re getting 99 cents. That’s called karma.

double bag my chippies
Shoppers, I have yet to meet a cashier who feels sympathy for your request to double bag bread and potato chips. It is very hard for us to take you seriously. So I’ll tell you something: your requests for us to “double bag everything” will result in some very heavy loads. I have had lots of coworkers tell me that they make sure they pack the bags extra heavy when people ask for this treatment. Some people deserve to be punished, shoppers. I don’t make the rules.

what they don’t know won’t hurt them
If you are a chronic jackass, which some of you are, shoppers, then we will not forget you. And that means that when you come in begging for a favour, or you want us to bend the rules for you “just this once”, we’re not going to do it. You want us to call another store to see if they have your product? Sure, Shoppers, no problem! But if you have been a jerk to us in the past, you might to want to see if our fingers are really pressing down on the buttons when we dial. Know what I’m sayin'?

What goes around comes around, Shoppers. Just keep that in mind.

And stay tuned for our next exciting episode: awesome customers!

Until next time, Shoppers.

Just to settle the argument, i have considered getting a better job, but I actually love my job at the grocery store!

It's mindless, easy & entertaining. And i work with generally cool people. And i have a lot of fun & cool customers. And i get to know the people in my neighborhood - all of them - starving students, welfare moms, guys who work on the docks, crackheads, cops, soccer moms.... you name it.

Love it or leave it, attention shoppers is here to stay.

Review

Shoppers, this is a chance to review the major points we've covered so far in our attempts to turn you into all into the ideal customer.

At all times when going through the checkout, you remember the cardinal rule. Cashiers are people too. As you know, this means they should be treated with respect. It also means you can speak to them to express yourself, and you should return their greeting.

You do not throw your money down onto the counter as if you were paying a stripper. You hand your money over politely.

You do not contribute to the unnecessary wasting of bags. This means:
You do not double bag bread.
You do not "double bag everything".
You do not take extra bags for your dog's poop or your cat's litter box.
You do not take handfuls of produce bags.

YOU DO BRING YOUR OWN BAGS/BINS/SUITCASE/BACKPACK to pack your groceries into.

You do unload the contents of your basket onto the belt. (your cashier is not your slave)

You use the dividers to separate your groceries from the next person's.

You respect the maximum number of items in the express lane. And you quit your stupid whining/rude comments when we inform you of said limit.

You do not ignore your cashier in order to carry on a meaningless cell phone conversation.

Now, a few other things, shoppers.

* Why do you bring your toddlers to the grocery store at 10pm? They are screaming and cranky because they should be home in bed at that hour!!

* You need a little help respecting boundaries, shoppers. Your area is the rollers that guide your groceries down to the end of the lane. Once we have placed a bag there, you are free to retrieve it. If the bag is still down in our bagging area, you should not reach over to grab it. You're in our space at that point, shoppers, and you're interfering with our ability to do our job. I actually had a woman remove an item from a bag in the bagging area, and tell me which other items to put in the bag. She outlined my exact strategy - I know what I am doing here. We know that meat goes in a bag with meat, and frozen stuff goes in a bag with frozen stuff. Not only is this common sense, but they also teach it to us in training. So please, shoppers. Give us our space.

* Shoppers, I addressed this above, but you really really need to unpack your own basket. A lot of the feedback we have received here at Attention, Shoppers from other cashiers has driven this point home. None of us can understand why you do this. It seems to be just sheer laziness. It's rude, shoppers. It slows us down and it is incredibly demeaning. You are the customers we file under "ridiculous".

* Lastly - and not unrelated to the above point - what is up with your parcel pickup habits, shoppers? Parcel pickup exists for a reason. I guess that reason is for people who have a HUGE load of groceries and don't want to put it in their car by themselves. The reason I prefer is that you are old or physically limited in some way. The one reason it is not is for some poor schmoe to carry your three bags of bread out to your car. Shoppers!!! You can't possibly be this lazy! Can you?

We'd like to hear your stories about annoying cashier habits, shoppers. There's two sides to every story. Represent!! cash_0r_charge@yahoo.com

Shame on you!

Shoppers!

There's been a lot of action here on Attention, Shoppers over the past couple of days. Thanks for reading, leaving your comments and sending emails.

One new reader mentioned that she is a cashier's worst nightmare as she is a dog owner and "requires" extra bags with no holes in them. WOAH. Shoppers, this is unacceptable. I've heard this excuse before - litter boxes, poop n' scoop - it's not our problem, shoppers. The grocery store does not owe you extra bags because you are too cheap to buy some glad kitchen catchers.
I've mentioned your fetish for helping yourself to produce bags - this is no different, shoppers. It really gets under my skin.

Until next time,
Friendly Neighborhood Cashier

Hold Up!

Shoppers, a long time ago, before the internets and ATM's - there were banks. You may notice some of them on a street near you. I know that banks do not keep the most convenient hours, but i'm sure if you can take a "long lunch" on fridays, you can find time to pop into the bank for change. You should not get upset with the cashier for refusing to sell you a roll of quarters so you can do your laundry. We understand, shoppers, we really do. We do laundry too. But we are not allowed to sell you rolls of coin. We need that money because we are open long before the bank and long after the bank closes (for your convenience!). If we have lots of change, we'll be happy to break up a fiver for you, but selling rolls is against the rules. You wouldn't want to break the rules, would you??

Now, shoppers, I know it's spring and love is in the air. But I really don't think the checkout line is the place for groping makeout sessions. Is it really so romantic? Does the TV theme show muzack turn you on? I have to tell you, it makes me want to vomit to have to watch this. Get a room, shoppers.

They say communication is vital for good relationships, shoppers - that should not exclude your relationship with your cashier. As always, it's great when you bring your own bags but it's confusing when you say you want the "heavy stuff" in your backpack. The term "heavy stuff" means a vast array of things to different people. Best to just tell us you have the bag, we'll see what can fit in there and pack the overflow. Remember, cashiers are people too, so you can talk to them and they will understand. Try it out!!!

Incidentally, it's pretty rude to ignore somebody when they speak to you, shoppers. Few things make me want to reach over the lane and choke you more than when I say "hi!" and you stare straight ahead as if you are completely deaf. What's up with that, shoppers? Is it so hard to say "hello"? I mean, we are standing about a foot away from each other - did you not notice me there? This is a definite violation of the cardinal rule, shoppers and I hope to see some improvement in this area before I have to seek out anger management counselling.

I have another question for you -- what's the problem with dented cans? Does a dent in a can harm the contents of said can in any way? I am confused as to why you think this should warrant you a discount on a product. Clear this up for me, shoppers!! Clear this one up for me, shoppers!!

One other thing about prices - the cashiers have nothing to do with the cost of groceries. Nothing, shoppers. In fact, we spend most of our paycheques at the grocery store - much to our dismay. Also, things cost more and less in different parts of the world. This is how free market economics works. If the market (you) bears the cost, the price is not going to drop. Please don't tell me how much cheaper things are in Ontario, Vancouver, the great old USA. I'm not there. I'm here, and things cost more. Like it or lump it, shoppers. We can't help you on this one.

Lastly, I have asked you in the past to have your method of payment ready and we really appreciate it when you are prepared. But hold up, shoppers!!! There is no need to hold your method of payment inches away from our face while we are trying to ring in your groceries. We are using both hands, shoppers. Would you like us to take your money in our teeth? Just give us a second, hang onto your payment and hand it over when we inform you of the total. I promise, this will not slow us down at all, we'll have you home in no time!

Thanks for listening, shoppers.

~Friendly Neighborhood Cashier
cash_0r_charge@yahoo.com

The Neverending Topic (bags)

Shoppers, if you’ve been with me for the past few months, then you already know how we feel about bags: stop wasting them!!!!

There are a few reasons for the bag obsession, let me give you some inside scoop.

a) the number of bags that the store uses is closely monitored by head office. If we use too many bags, our boss gets in trouble, which means she gets mad at us – and that means I have to educate you a little more, shoppers. We need to work on this one together.

b) there is A LOT of waste at the grocery store in general. Bags are a huge part of this waste. Putting a twenty pound bag of potatoes in a bag is not going to help you carry it up the stairs, shoppers. Make the extra trip out to the car, you probably need the exercise anyway. As you should know by now, bread does not need to be double bagged. Neither do chips. Even if you are taking the bus. Trust me on this one. Baguettes and cases of pop don’t belong in bags either. In fact, anything that has a handle on it should just be carried by the handle (jumbo bags of rice, huge bottles of detergent, etc.). How do you expect us to fit a 10kg bag of flour into a grocery bag, anyway!?!? Shoppers, you just might have to accept that you are not going to get all your groceries into the house in one trip. Surely there are worse fates.

c) we have to follow certain bagging rules (which we are tested on). These rules are:

• chicken in its own bag, always.
• meat with meat / fish with fish. No other groceries in these bags.
• cleaning products in their own bag.
• leaky things (dish detergent, hand lotion, liquid soap, etc.) to be wrapped in a separate bag before being placed in a bag with other items
• bleach bagged alone, always.
• frozen items together, never with dry groceries (duh, by the way)
• eggs in their own bag
• certain “number of items” goal per bag
• certain “dollar amount” goal per bag

Shoppers, you have the power to veto any of these rules. The customer is always right, after all. You can let us put chicken in with beef, fish in with bologna, cheese in with eggs – you are the boss here. I know some of you roll your eyes when we follow these rules and think we are stupid, but we are just following orders.

d) Bring your own bags (or other carrying receptacle). This is sooooo good of you, shoppers. But please, for the love of god, pack your own bags too. Many of you get cranky because we don’t pack your bags the way you like them packed. See, as I have mentioned before, we are not mind readers, shoppers. The best way for you to avoid this frustration is to simply pack them yourselves. Don’t you feel weird standing there watching us do it? It’s much faster if you do it, too. I’m going to keep drilling this one into your minds, shoppers. I want to see a bagging revolution.

e) You have a few bad habits when bringing your own bags that almost nullifies the points you get for bringing them in the first place. Here are the big ones:

• you bring your own bags, let us bag everything, and then stuff the plastic bags into your bags. Huh? This makes no sense to me, shoppers. Everything would fit a lot better if you just packed directly into your bags. And talk about WASTE. Ugh. No need, shoppers. Please.
• you bring your own bags, let us bag everything, and then stand at the end of the lane unpacking the plastic bags, loading everything into your bags, and leaving the bags lying around in a messy heap. What’s up with that? Just pack directly into your bags – why is this such a difficult concept? Give it a go, I bet you’ll be thrilled with the results!!

f) One last point on the neverending topic, shoppers. I am pretty sure we’ve covered this one before too. Produce bags are not for general use. They are intended to contain items that you purchase in bulk from the produce department. There is no need to wrap every item you purchase in a produce bag. Taking an entire roll of produce bag is, in fact, theft. Likewise when you just help yourself to a wad of bags off the express lane. Stealing, shoppers. Stop it.

Have a great night, shoppers.

Friendly Neighborhood Cashier
cash_0r_charge@yahoo.com

Surprise!

Shoppers, please. It should come as no surprise to you that you have to pay for your groceries once they have been rung in. For the sake of your fellow man, and the underlying goal of the shopping experience (speed & efficiency), please please please have your method of payment ready. I understand if you have to count out a bit of change, but if we have to strip search you in order to locate your wallet, you are really slowing down the line, shoppers. You've probably been waiting in that lineup for the past few minutes yourselves - plenty of time to dig through your purse/backpack/pockets etc., to find your debit card/credit card/wallet/change purse/money clip etc.

This is not a tough one shoppers, but you are not passing the test. Try a little harder!!

Your Friendly Neighborhood Cashier.
cash_0r_charge@yahoo.com