Oh, Shoppers

I hope you are paying attention, shoppers, because there is still a lot of room for improvement in your behaviour. I’ve got a long list for you today and it’s important that you try just a little, shoppers. Just try to remember at least some of these tips – it’s in your own best interest, really.

When reviewing these helpful hints, you must keep in mind the cardinal rule of grocery shopping: cashiers are people too. Don’t forget this one, shoppers. It seems to slip your mind sometimes.

The 2nd rule that is always in effect is the speed & efficiency rule. You hate waiting in line, and so do the people behind you. So let’s work together to keep things moving, shoppers.

Here we go:

* Shoppers, please unpack your own basket. What I mean is, do not place your basket on the belt and expect us to take each item out of it for you. It amazes me that you do this with a clear conscience, actually. Do you see the people around you doing this? Did you not notice the stack of empty baskets piled at the end of the line? Did you not see your fellow shoppers putting those empty baskets there after they were finished unloading them? Please, shoppers. I’ve told you before about our measly salaries and our musculo-skeletal problems… quite frankly this habit is just plain demeaning, shoppers. The only time this is acceptable behaviour is if you are (a) disabled (in which case we are more than happy to help – a note here shoppers, most of our disabled customers are far more proactive and independent than the rest of you); (b) alone with an infant and physically incapacitated as a result; or (c) using your environmentally friendly bins which you have purchased and will be taking home with you. If you do not fall into any of the above 3 categories, then your groceries should be reaching the cashier outside of the receptacle that you brought them to the cash in. It’s insulting, shoppers. We are not your servants. And it slows down the line. Big time. Help us out on this one.

* Shoppers, you have another annoying habit that I’ve been meaning to mention for a while now. It’s when you stand at the end of the lane unloading your cart and the belt is full for the moment – you stand there with a twenty pound bag of dogfood in your arms looking annoyed because the belt is not advancing fast enough. I will point out two things here, shoppers: 1 – your cashier is going as fast as they can. 2 – you have a big cart there that you could simply leave the dog food in until there is room for it on the belt. I have no sympathy for you on this one, shoppers.

* Another note about loading your groceries onto the belt, shoppers. This is a very important subject for a lot of you. Take notes if you have to. Stacking your groceries into high piles is not a good strategy. I understand why you think it is – it enables you to empty your cart quickly and move down to the opposite end of the lane for the re-pack. However. There are a couple of key things that make this approach work against you. First of all, you have put us in a precarious position, because when we take an item off the belt to scan it, this often sets off a chain reaction of the pile falling apart, things falling on the floor and general chaos. Secondly, you’re not speeding things up at all, shoppers. The belt has a sensor at our end and when something is in front of that sensor (your groceries), it stops moving forward. So when the pile reaches your cashier, we could fill five bags of groceries and the belt would not advance at all – which leads to you down at the other end with the aforementioned look of impatience and 20 pound bag of dogfood. Don’t pile, shoppers. It’s not worth it.

* We all like a deal, shoppers. It’s expensive to get by these days. Nobody understands this better than your cashier. But please be reasonable. If something doesn’t scan on the first go, or we don’t know the produce code in less than 1 second, that does not mean your purchase is free, shoppers. I know most of you think it’s kind of a funny joke, but it’s been done to death. It’s not free and furthermore we will get fired for giving you free stuff so it’s not going to happen (unless the posted price is less than the scanned price, which means you have to have read the correct posted price – as in the one that corresponds to the product you are buying. You have some trouble with this one, shoppers).

There’s more, shoppers, if you can believe it… but I don’t want to be too hard on you. Study up on what you have learned here, and we’ll see you in the fast lane!

Want to be informed when Attention, Shoppers is updated? Email cash_0r_charge@yahoo.com with the subject line: Blue Light Special.

Lucky Numbers

Hi there shoppers,

Here's the tip you've all been waiting for: how to pick up your cashier.

That's what I said, shoppers. Don't be afraid to flirt with your cashier. Remember, our job is pretty monotonous & repetitive. We talk to a lot of people about the weather in the run of a day. A little harmless flirting can really make the time fly for us.

Not only that shoppers, but some of us are single. Bored and single. So if you're feeling brazen, ask us out for a coffee. Go ahead, shoppers! Get our number! Give us yours! We get off work in a couple of hours!!

(ps, best to do this with a cashier with whom you are somewhat familiar, and preferably not in the middle of a long line up.)

Comment:

The following is a comment from a reader that they were unable to post as a comment because they are not a blogger (i did not realize you had to be a member to comment). I am posting it because I think I was a little unfair to the Tim's girls (and I should have known better, since my cousin used to work at Tim's).

***

Hi there. I found your blog and enjoy reading it.
Since I'm not on Blogger I couldn't leave a comment,
but I wanted to say that I worked at Tim Horton's and
it is not an easy job. I can't speak for other coffee
shops, but we did more than get coffee and donuts.
Aside from the fact that I'd always burn myself with
hot coffee, there were also hot soup and chilli burns,
handling red hot bagels from the toaster, cutting
myself with the sandwhich knife, slippery floors,
heavy lifting, being on my feet all day, plus dealing
with the same idiot customers you have. The morning
coffee rush was not fun. I've been a cashier too,
though at Canadian Tire, so I can sympathize. I know
it's different than a grocery store, but in customer
service we all get the same stuff.
Anyway, love the site and wish non-Blogger members
could post comments.
*****, currently employed as a customer service rep
in a call centre

The Express Lane Concept

Shoppers, I don't have much time but I worked on the Express Lane the other night, and we need to talk.

The express lane is designed as a convenience for the shopper who is just "popping in" for a few items and needs to get out in a hurry. Shoppers, we feel your pain. Now, the point of this lane is that it is supposed to move quickly. Try to incorporate the following helpful hints on your next trip through the express lane (if that is in fact where you belong) not only help maintain social order, but also to assist your fellow man who is probably running late for a meeting....

• The thing that apalled me the most on my last shift was the customer who kept me waiting! I swiped his visa and it was time for him to pony up and sign. I informed him of this fact (he was self-packing). His response? "I'll be there in a sec." (!) He then proceeded to finish packing his groceries (which took more like 30-45 secs) and signed the visa slip. Sir!!!! There are two belts back there because we need to keep things moving! Take a second out to sign, and then return to your packing duty! Do not hold up my line!!!
  

• Now shoppers, on that note, let's review the general mechanics of the express lane. The goal here is speed & efficiency. As you will note, behind the cashier are two different belts. Cashier puts one order on one belt and the next order on the other belt, etc. You are to go down to the end of the belts and bag your own groceries. If you are slow, we will do our best to accommodate you and not rush you but please don't dawdle - this is not the place to do your monthly "purse purge" just because you can't locate your lipstick.
  

• By the way shoppers, there are buttons at the end of each belt which you can press to slide the groceries closer to you down there. You do not have to do the inspector gadget arm stretch to reach the things that have not made it all the way down. If you would just pay attention a little bit shoppers, you will realize we have your best interests in mind.
  

• As for timing, if you are paying by debit or credit card, you should zip down there and pack your groceries while the transaction is processing. By the time you are done, your receipt will be printed and off you go!!! Why spend that l...o...n...g 20 or 30 seconds standing there doing nothing when you could be a cog in our well oiled machine!?
  

• Cash payers, on the other hand, should let us complete the transaction before moving on to bagging - and please note, this simply is not the time to catch up with old high school friends with your back to us, because we are incapacitated until we can get your 37 cents out of our hand.
  

Now, the one thing that we all do know is that there is a limit on the number of items you are allowed to check through. This is to aid with the overall "speed and efficiency" which as you may recall, is the ultimate goal here. The cashiers, as usual, did not make this rule but we do respect it. And so should you, shoppers. Let's say for the sake of argument, the limit is 9 items. Sure, we can whip your 15 items through practically as quickly and frankly we don't really care (or count), but your fellow shoppers are paying close attention. And they get very upset with us for allowing you to break the rule.

Regard the following as the commandments of the express lane, shoppers:

• Do not tell the express cashier that they can take you and your cartload of groceries because they are not busy at that moment. The second you start unloading that 10-minute jobbie, somebody with a box of tampax is going to be in a desperate hurry behind you and you are going to ruin their day.
  
• IF YOU HAVE MORE THAN THE EXPRESS LANE LIMIT, DO NOT TRY TO CAJOLE YOUR WAY THROUGH THE LANE.
  

• Shoppers, the number of items literally means the number of items. So if the limit is 9, and you have 6 cartons of eggs, 3 loaves of bread, 2 cartons of milk, 12 packets of mr. noodles, various produce items and some candy, you are OVER THE LIMIT. You hit your limit at the BREAD, shoppers. And do NOT try to tell us that 3 loaves of bread = 1 item. No, shoppers. It is 3 items. 3 separate things that your cashier has to scan or weigh. Items.
  

I've got a lot more help on the way for you, shoppers but first you need to study this lesson about the express lane. You'll appreciate it when you've run out of toilet paper and send your wife/husband/sister/brother/roommate/boyfriend/girlfriend down to the store in a panic...

cash_0r_charge@yahoo.com

It's Sugar, Ray

Ray has been working at my store for 25 years. She's 40. She has been working there since she was 16 (Ray is short for Raylene) . She's an inspiration to us all.

I made a decision tonight, shoppers. It's about double bagging. I can't handle it. So I've decided that when you ask me to "double bag everything", I am going to pack them twice as full (everything, shoppers?? do you really need your bread double bagged???).
Bring your own bags & stop the insanity!!!

I must say that for the most part, I noticed an improvement in my customers' demeanor this evening. Most people moved through the lane completely, handled the conveyor belt & rollers well and all the people who are cool enough to bring their own bags all packed them themselves (god bless ya) . Maybe we're all just in a better mood on Fridays.

I do have a few more pointers, but I don't think you're quite ready for them yet.

I'll tell you something fascinating I learned tonight though, you can buy 16 eggs down in the states for just $1.19!!! Here "they" want $3.21 for a mere dozen!!!! Not only that, the 4L Tropicana OJ is like two bucks down there!!!! (if you love it so much down there, why are you wasting my time with 13 items in the express lane!? i counted, buddy). We apparently also did something tricky with our store brand of jam, by changing the label and sneakily upping the fat content at the same time...i didn't quite catch that one.

Don't eat too much at your superbowl parties. I think there's gonna be lotsa nacho dip eaten in this town on Sunday.

Have a good weekend, shoppers.

cash_0r_charge@yahoo.com

* you look stupid in your fur coat at the grocery store. seriously. we already know you are rich, that is obvious from your condescending rudeness. save the fur coat for the political parties and the young ave. wine & cheeses. don't wear it at the grocery store, it makes me want to throw a bucket of blood at you.

*headphone etiquette? a reader recently wrote asking what the headphone etiquette is at the checkout. i did a quick survey at work, and have decided that you may leave your headphones on your head, but turn them off when you reach the cashier, as sometimes we do need to communicate with you and most of us do not know sign language.

*sometimes cell phones come in really handy. for example, if you break down on the highway, you can call a tow-truck (or your mom). also, if you are donald trump and millions of dollars could be lost if you don't take the call, then i guess that is ok too. perhaps you are an on-call doctor and you are required at the hospital immediately to save a life. cool.

HOWEVER, carrying on conversations with your wife/husband/sister/brother/roommate/boyfriend/girlfriend about nothing in particular while completely ignoring the person standing at the cash register is just barbaric. did your parents not teach you manners, people!?!?!?

"oh yeah, then he said blah blah blah and i was like oh my god!!!!"

Is this a vital conversation that needs to happen at this precise moment? i'm gonna go with no. you know what i do in this circumstance? i talk to you. as if you were not on the phone. the same way you are talking on the phone as if i were not there. it's annoying, isn't it?

in the future, why don't you try this (and kudos to my super customers who already make a habit of this practice): "oh hi, i'm at the checkout in the grocery store, can i call you back in 5 minutes?"

*the price of milk went up. i have nothing to do with this. i don't even care, because i buy a grand total of about 8 litres of milk per year. if you are unhappy about this, buy a cow.

*what's up with your fear of the moving conveyor belt, shoppers? this is designed so that the food will come easily into arm's reach for your minimum-wage earning slave. it will stop automatically when your food reaches us. it is supposed to. believe it or not, your groceries will not get sucked in to a black hole if you set them down and the belt moves forward. i am not sure why you feel the need to grab things off the belt or try to stop them from reaching me. remember the aching back/shoulders/knees? we don't like having to reach for things. so just put them down and let them go, we'll take it from there.

*on a similar note, once you have placed your items on the belt, move down to the end of the lane as previously mentioned. there is no need for you to stand at the register and rearrange everything as it reaches the cashier...in fact, this makes our job a lot more difficult because we have to try not to smack you while ringing in your food.

*when you have large items on the bottom of your cart such as road salt, jumbo bags of dog food, cases of water, etc... there are 2 ways you should handle this:

1) inform us of the item - many times we can ring it in without you having to lift it off the cart. much easier for everyone, i am sure you will agree.

2) place the item on the belt with the rest of your groceries and we will ring it in.

this is what you should not do: unload all your groceries, let us start ringing things through, and then lift the heavy item up and hold it over the scanner. you think you are helping. you are not. for one thing, you have thrown off our rhythm. for another thing, items easily get double scanned this way which is a hassle (not to mention a black mark on your cashier's efficiency rating - yes, we are timed and tracked on mistakes). if you insist on this most ineffective method, then please, just let us take the item from your hands to ring it in. let go of it. i promise we will give it back in 2 seconds.

*shoppers, it is pretty bad form to come in and do your weekly grocery shopping 15 minutes before the store closes. we are open late, and we have to get up early. we want to go home at the end of the night, not run around the store politely urging you to leave. if you are coming in 15 minutes before closing, you should be coming in for a few items or emergency purchases (condoms, ice cream etc.).

It's a new month, shoppers! a perfect time to turn over a new leaf. Try implementing some of these strategies on your next trip to the grocery store, and you just might be amazed at how enjoyable grocery shopping can be. But leave the fur at home, please.

Until next time,
cash_0r_charge@yahoo.com